I'm so happy to finally be back on here writing
again. Sad to say that I've let the opinions and indirect negative comments from people in my family keep me from writing, again. And even though it hurts me, it sets up a great challenge for me to face as a writer for the upcoming year. The day after Christmas
bought me this book, Your First Novel
by Ann Rittenberg and Laura Whitcomb. In the forward written by Dennis Lehane
this compilation of words
slapped me out of my depression,
You should write because you can't not write. You should write because some stray scrap of your soul is trying to manifest itself verbally. You should write because story is your preferred method by which to make order out of the chaos we call existence. You should write because even though the process terrifies you, the absence of that process terrifies you more.
This spoke volumes to me. When I got to the last word I felt like an enormous powerful dragon awoke inside me and was ready to slice through anything in its path. This is what I was made for.
The other day I was confronted by my mother about complaints she got about something that was supposedly posted on Facebook
. For 2013 I've decided to drastically diminish the use of this site, mainly because it is nothing but drama and snoops. When I heard the complaint I knew it was something someone read on one of my blog posts. Sadly, I was asked to filter myself again. I was asked not to write certain things on certain sites.... I couldn't stand it anymore. I finally told my parents what I feel like when they ask me to do this, being that this is not the first or second time they have scolded me for this. Bear in mind that I am 27 years old and living with my husband.
The rise of my true self didn't come out as I expected. For months I've been secretly dreading the moment in which that monster was unleashed and to whom it would unleash on, unfortunately it was my parents. Fortunately, the beast was nothing more than a hurt child. Before I knew it tears were welling up in my eyes, my nose started burning and I started to feel my bottom lip tremble, again. Next thing I knew, these words came out of my mouth.
I'm not going to not write what I feel like! Have you ever taken the time to think about what it's like to not be able to write down my emotions, write what I'm feeling and write what I can't express in other ways. I can't even put a pen to paper without worrying who is going to judge me or not like what I say. Do you have any idea what that feels like!!!? And if someone has a problem with my emotions, my opinions or what I write on whatever site I decide to write it on, they need to bring that to me! Am I not an adult? I don't need people to go through you because they don't like something I do, they need to bring that to me if we're all going to be adults about it!
That was the release. Because later on I realized, while talking to my husband, that I've been filtering myself on paper since the day my parents read my journal and found out I had smoked a Black & Mild
(mini cigar). We all see it in movies and laugh at it when children blow up over a lack of "privacy" but that day is embedded in my mind. I remember feeling betrayed, not trusted, invaded, embarrassed. Each timed something in my life happened as a result of my own written words I've drawn back from writing. And I've been sad. I didn't realize until yesterday that each time I've stopped writing then started again I've felt alive, free, and at ease with my thoughts and feelings. There is something therapeutic about writing anything to me.
This roller coaster of emotions stops tonight. After deep and careful thought, reading friends New Year's resolutions
, praying and talking to my husband I've come up with the following goals for 2013 (I've decided not to make resolutions because I'm not doing anything temporarily I'm making a permanent change for as long as God
- I will study my Bible daily.
- I will make and maintain a writing schedule for myself.
- I will have a completed manuscript by the end of the year.
- I will move to Colorado and establish a new life.
- I will read constantly and review.
- I will establish and maintain a healthy regime.
- I will not be afraid to me myself.
I look forward to spending the night bringing in the New Year with my husband and planning our family goals for 2013. Please stay smart and safe where ever you are reading this blog tonight.
One Love, The Mooney's.
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