As each day goes by I notice an increased awareness of what I have here in California. My entire 27 years of life, so far, has consisted on just this. Though the reasons why I don't it here have been like thorns and weeds to a blossoming bud, I know that everything and everyone in my life have shaped who I have become. Yet, like all things in life, growth is inescapable and transitions come with the journey, just like seasons.
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I may be wrong but my recent experience with this new transition in my life has been heartbreaking and joyous at the same time. I don't always tell people how I feel because I become so emotional so I can understand that if my experience with family has been a miscommunication, I'm partially to blame. When my husband and I first told our family about our plans to relocate to Colorado some people showed they were supportive and some didn't. Then I started hearing that some people we had talked to were telling my parents that we were being irresponsible, hard-headed, and irrational. Hearing that broke my heart.
I've gone through my own ups and downs with my family, as every family does, but I felt that after I had opened about my search for truth in religion and belief in God, my true dreams and goals for my life, and my need to be allowed to grow to an adult had all changed at least a small dynamic of our relationships. Please don't be ill-advised, I have family members that are very supportive of everything I do but they are very scarce. What hurts me the most are the people I confide in and spend most of my time with, saying one thing to my face and another to other people. That's where my heartbreaking happened.
Behind the scenes, my Father God was setting up stories, history and paths so intricate not even the finest needle could penetrate his masterpiece and gave me my husband. I know I've bragged about him in previous posts but he truly has been my rock in this time of transition, rebirth and renovation. We have both done our share of negative and we've both had our hearts broken in different but similar ways. I've always admired that about our completely different lives and upbringings. This entire time we've decided to embark on this journey as one person, one family, and one love I've never had a doubt in my mind that I could count on him should I ever stumble to fall. So every time I've allowed someone to hurt me or I've been hurt he's been there to comfort me and bring me back to health in so many ways. This is where my joy has overcome the darkness of heartbreak.
I know I'm going to miss my family but I'm not going to miss being left out. This weekend was one of those heartbreaking weekends. I found out that for the past year my maternal grandmother has had osteoporosis. As fate would have it, this was the same day I planned on announcing to my paternal family that we had been approved for our new apartment in Aurora, Colorado. I couldn't help the anger that came over me and caused me not to tell everyone. I see my grandmother and parents every weekend, almost three times a week and I've been in the dark for over a year. It made me feel so disconnected that every single person in my family would keep that from me. And all that did was remind me of how I felt when I was trying to kick myself out or get kicked out of my parents house, I've always felt like an outsider or like I didn't belong. You know that one hair that ruins a perfect do? That's me.
So why not do something with that difference? I'm already disconnected from the pack, why not start my own? So this is what we have come to. In 34 days I will be leaving my employment at Los Angeles County after working there for 7 1/2 years and in 37 days we will be leaving California to live in COLORADO!!! There is no amount of words that can even explain the exciting, gut wrenching, nervous feeling I have. But I can say that the happiness and ease that comes over me when remember the faith I have in God will exceed all odds against us.
Cheers to a new beginning!